why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
