Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
