I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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