Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
