First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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