why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
