I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
