she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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