wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
