Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
