Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
