it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
