He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
