Just cropdusted the office
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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