You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You need Xanax blowdarts
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
