Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
