Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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