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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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