I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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