I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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