Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize