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I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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