I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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