My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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