What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
