I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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