I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
