Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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