just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
be right there i have to get my cape
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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