Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
