It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
