My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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