Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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