Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
