dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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