You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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