Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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