I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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