He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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