my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
