He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
