I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
