Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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