We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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