Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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