Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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