Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
