maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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