If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
