I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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