I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
