Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
