this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
