I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
