I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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