Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
