Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
