Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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