To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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