I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
