there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
